What Women Want

I recently watched Discovering Ardi, a made for t.v. movie produced by the Discovery Channel. It was about our 4.2 million old ancestor (the oldest one found to date) found in Ethiopia buried in a small hill. They named the partial skeleton they found Ardipithecus after the local dialect meaning ground or floor. It is a small brained, big grasping toe, non-knuckle-walking, small K-9 wearing, biped female. Although the skeleton was only partial, the bones found gave enough information to the paleontologists to discern those particular attributes of Ardi. And, judging by the scientists reaction to the combination of these attributes, they were strange. What happened to the large K-9 teeth the males used to attract women in their dramatic gnashing festivities? Why were they walking upright and abandoning their knuckle walking abilities?

Before Ardi was discovered, scientists thought that ancient Ethiopia was a grassland Savannah. By searching the area where they found Ardi, they found a number of fossilized seeds, bits of trees and bones of animals, which were dated at the similar time of Ardi. They learned from these finds that the supposed Savannah was in fact a lush woodland. Before this discovery, a theory for bipedality was to decrease the surface area on the furry creature that was exposed to the sun, limiting it to just the top of the head. Another theory of bipedality was that since the primates were aboreal (of trees) and they were living in a grassland, they had to take up walking on two legs since it conserved more energy, and they could walk longer distances in search of food, and ultimately, to explore new territory.

Since discovering Ardi, the scientists, who often feel the persistent demand for results, came up with a new theory. The females were no longer choosing males based on the size and self sharpening splendor of their magnificent K-9s. The females wanted more. And what they wanted more of was stuff. Bipeds arose to carry things. The ladies had families to feed, they could no longer be bothered with teeth, they wanted instead treasure from the forest. The gentlemen, frantic for finding, grabbed whatever they could carry in their now luxurious holding arms, and they carried whatever. They didn’t know what the females wanted, but food was always a top priority. But all ladies, even small brained furry ones, want more than food. The quality of the things found was important, but quantity should also be accounted for.

The development of tools, consequently, was not based on the need to hunt food, rather, tools developed to make things for women. First teeth were no longer good enough, then bundles of stuff were no longer good enough. Things had to be custom made to please and promote procreation. What will women want next? What will be our next evolutionary foothold? What will they decide? They have 50 000 years to make up their minds. I suggest we bring back the tail for it’s fly slapping abilities, and as an accessory to stylish vestments. Ladies, how would you like a long luscious tail around your shoulder? Think about it, and hump whoever has one.