Monkeys Are Violent

In Borneo, docking there, we are greeted by hostile and horny monkeys.  They are humping in the trees, humping on benches.  And when they are not humping, they are baring their teeth at you and grabbing at your bag.  The Dutch and German tourists especially think feeding the monkeys is cute.  Not surprisingly, they also think feeding bears is cute.  It is not so cute when they are being mauled though, is it? Likewise, when the black beady eyes of the monkey are staring into yours, and when it is hissing at you, it’s hand clutched on your particulars, it’s mind racing with the most efficient ways to bring you down, the cute factor rapidly diminishes.  But isn’t that the case with almost anything?  Nothing that threatens our survival is cute.  Well, almost nothing, kittens harbouring deadly viruses, for example.

Let’s not forget where we came from and where we are going.  Where are we going?  I’ll tell you.  Just like the teeny weeny vicious monkeys that we are, we are clutching at the metaphorical bag of promised riches, and the riches, friends, are nothing more than HoHos and DingDongs.  Nothing more.  And what do those do if not rot your teeth, eh?  Better to fill your bag up with floss and other oral care, eh?  Nothing like a good set of chompers that you can bare in times of freight, or desperate need.  Why, just the other day I wanted a donut bad.  So I grabbed at it, as per usual, and the Donut Attendant tried taking it from me.  So I hissed at her and bared my teeth, and the problem was more or less solved.  We can assume the high speed chase which followed soon after was for a different matter, of which I now forget.

So, the next time you are being threatened by a monkey, just tell him or her, just say, “Hello there little guy.  You and I aren’t so diff.  Brothers from a diff. mother, eh? Monkey.” Usually the monkey will calmly reflect on what you said and back down.  Or he will try clawing out your eyes.  Either way we all have to die.